Trauma As A Superpower

How trauma shapes identity and success

(Disclaimer: As the title says, I am talking about traumatic experiences. It is not a happy topic, but an important one. Please read this at your own discretion.)

Trauma is a loaded word.

Hearing it, we associate it with terrible things. There is physical trauma, like a deep wound or a concussion. Then there is psychological trauma, a wound in someone’s psyche. A permanent memory of a threat or danger that negatively affected them.

But unlike physical trauma, psychological trauma is always subjective. Two people can have the same experience, and only one of them ends up with trauma. An experience that is so overwhelming that it completely changes someone’s life.

The brain always learns. And it will especially learn from life-threatening situations. This doesn’t just mean physical danger. It can also mean being in a situation they were unable to cope with mentally.

(which is why most trauma happens to children because they don’t have the capability to cope, escape, or fight back, as adults do)

The brain sees stress as dangerous as a wound to the body. It overwhelms the system. Making it unable to shut down and recover when it is badly needed.

Which leads to the consequence of a traumatic experience: Wanting to avoid whatever led to it at any cost.

If someone has been in a car crash and barely survived, they may never be able to get in a car again. Their entire body will react to it. Shaking, profuse sweating, nausea, or an internal voice shouting at them to stay away.

Trauma always has two parts.

1. The event and the wounds it caused

2. The person’s reaction that changed them permanently

And that second aspect is where things get really complicated.

Trauma shapes identity

When talking about a person who was never the same again after a traumatic event, we are talking about identity.

Some people see themselves as ‘broken’ because they feel like they lost part of themselves in the process. Or later, they may identify as a ‘survivor’ of trauma as a way to recomplete themselves.

But trauma also shapes identity in much subtler ways. In ways that we can’t even realize because it happens over a long period of time.

Take a child who never receives unconditional love from their parents. The only time they were loved or appreciated was when they performed well. Only the best results mattered. Mistakes and anything but perfection received punishment or an absence of the parents’ attention.

Since all humans need love and affection, this can become a traumatic experience. The absence of a basic human need causes mental pain. Since the child is unable to escape or cope with this, the brain needs to adapt.

In this case, the brain’s response to the trauma may be a never-ending drive for perfection. Since perfect results are the only way to receive any love from the most important people in the child’s life.

Performance becomes the core identity. Since the child never experienced unconditional love, success becomes the only way to fulfill the basic human need.

Now it shapes their entire life. It may start with success in school, being the best in class. Later, it turns into career success. With that comes financial wealth. By age 28, they may be the CEO of a multi-million-dollar company, living a life that others deeply wish for. They are incredibly smart, always learn, never stop working. Insatiable in their chase. They hit all the definitions of success.

Because that is what they need to feel any sort of internal satisfaction.

But they know it won’t last. Stagnation is not what other people admire. So all they can do is constantly improve. The success of today is already lost tomorrow. An endless chase for something that never lasts.

When realizing this, the solution seems simple. Work through the traumatic experience and learn how to experience love without needing to perform. But reality is much more complicated.

The success is all they have. All they have achieved is due to the relentless drive of trauma. It has created their current life. The ability to do well, to surpass others, and to fit into the society we have built.

Removing that drive would threaten all of this.

The experience of trauma can create a drive much stronger than what a ‘healthy’ person may have access to. These trauma-based drives (also known as toxic fuel) can be the only thing that sets a person apart from others. That they are able to achieve what no other person ever can.

Parting with the trauma would mean parting with this power. Parting with everything they have known and done throughout their lives.

Which can be traumatic in itself. Removing the entire foundation of someone’s personality. Losing yourself is incredibly painful. Meaning that it can start the same cycle of the brain wanting to avoid this danger.

If that is the case, it becomes a seemingly unsolvable problem. The affected person experiences a deep feeling of emptiness inside. A never-ending chase where they know it will never completely satisfy them. While the only solution is to give up everything they have built, everything they know to be true, and become someone else without knowing what that will look like.

A terrifying situation that keeps someone stuck.

It’s also why many people choose to keep things the way they are, despite learning about the circumstances. It may be more appealing to keep this superpower than to go through the pain of changing and losing it.

Even if it means lowering their lifespan due to chronic stress. Never being able to feel love in its pure, healthy form. Not being able to cherish the people in their lives because all they can do is perform. Living a life where they have never felt happy and content. A permanent feeling of restlessness and needing to escape an endless threat.

It is called toxic fuel for a reason. It damages the engine even though it might take you wherever you want to go.

Every superpower has a cost. And everyone makes their own choices whether to use it.

I usually end on a happy note. With this topic, I don’t know how to. Trauma is something I think a lot about. Be it due to my own experiences or seeing the life stories of people I am coaching. Or noticing people who are successful but seem deeply unhappy inside and wondering why. Trauma is a very difficult problem that a large part of the population is dealing with (and most don’t even know about it). I am glad that there are trained providers who can help someone through it, to allow them to rebuild their identity with a healthy foundation.

Either way, take care of yourself, and subscribe if you want to.

You got this!

~ Felix